Comments on: One For All, All For None http://kispln.kiswrites.org/2008/05/02/one-for-all-all-for-none/ doing things differently: the world as teacher Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:46:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=wordpress-mu-1.2.4 By: Clay Burell http://kispln.kiswrites.org/2008/05/02/one-for-all-all-for-none/#comment-279 Clay Burell Tue, 06 May 2008 03:48:28 +0000 http://kispln.kiswrites.org/2008/05/02/one-for-all-all-for-none/#comment-279 I'd like the hook better if it was about you than about "you." I highlighted a bunch of parts with Diigo to get you to look at some grammar error patterns, some verbal "tics" (habits) you might want to eliminate, and more. I also suggest you do a scan of how many long, unbroken sentences you have, and consider swearing to Allah that you'll try to vary your rhythms more in the future with commas, long-dashes, colons, etc. At least commas. I like the idea. The last part seems to somehow drift away from the main idea of the piece, though. Or is it me? I’d like the hook better if it was about you than about “you.”

I highlighted a bunch of parts with Diigo to get you to look at some grammar error patterns, some verbal “tics” (habits) you might want to eliminate, and more.

I also suggest you do a scan of how many long, unbroken sentences you have, and consider swearing to Allah that you’ll try to vary your rhythms more in the future with commas, long-dashes, colons, etc. At least commas.

I like the idea. The last part seems to somehow drift away from the main idea of the piece, though. Or is it me?

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